Your Mess, My Burden

It is getting shitty…

Hoping someone would come into my life and sweep me off my feet.

Wishing to have someone who would send me ‘good morning’ and ‘sweet dreams’. 

Dreaming that someone would surprise me with his little thoughtful gestures. 

Having someone who would allow me to be myself and would accept me for all my flaws.

But I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Because you messed me up.

Because you broke my perception of love.

You broke my idea of being wanted by someone.

“Love? I haven’t heard of it. Even the sound of it offends me.” -Peter Pan

Of all the times you showed me affection, you would take me up in the skies and make me feel all the wonders of being somebody to another’s life, being special to you.

But then, you would take your fair share, your own satisfaction, and leave me above to let me constantly fall for something that was not there in the first place. 

I never got the chance to really define how falling in love is supposed to be. Was it that so hard to be wanted by someone without doubts or questions, no terms, no limits? I did not know. Cause you never showed me feelings, at least the genuine ones.

How could I have someone without thinking about how you treated me?

How could I love someone without getting rejected?

How could I be accepted without feeling insecure about myself?

You ruined me.

Then…

I ruined myself.

I ruined myself to not be wanted because inevitably I would mess up my emotions.

I ruined myself to be this hopeless wrecked person who unintentionally drives him away, he – the guy who could possibly teach me to fall in love, for real this time, the guy who could show me how wonderful I am amidst my terrible past, my imperfect present, and my doubtful future. 

I ruined myself to have forgotten my worth that I would recklessy put myself in risky situations. 

I ruined myself to be loved unconditionally.

But then, I am grateful for the mess you left. 

It taught me how to clean this shit up.

And it was just simple:

Never end up with someone like you.

Never end up with someone who would see me as a wild card, as a free pass. I deserve to be loved more than I could ever love someone else

Never end up with someone who would only be satisfied with the idea of loving someone but to be with him whose intentions are direct and real. 

Never end up with someone who would not be man enough to stand by his words, but to be with him who does everything in his will to keep trying.

Never end up with someone who couldn’t give me the chance I deserve.

But this mess is so big, I have to constantly remind myself to never stop…

Never stop fixing myself: be smart, guard your heart, and protect your pride.

And I cannot wait for the day when this would be spotless and shiny because a better and bigger man showed me how important I am, not as someone special, but because someone would show me how important I am as a person. Not only because he has to show me, but also he believes so.

If not someone, well, I will never get tired of cleaning up your mess until this pain will finally just become a memory.

Until you will just be a footprint on the sand washed by ocean. 

Until you will just be a blur in the background of a photograph. 

Until you will just be a tiny scar in my invincible heart.

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Where Am I?

It’s been along time since I have written a blog.

Probably by this time, few of my students will get to drop by at this blog. Yes, I am working already… HEY!!!

I have been teaching at this school inside BF Paranaque for almost six months now. And I am so grateful for where I am right now. It may not be the “perfect” job but I know I have to be here. I may not stay here for long (or who knows I’ll professionally grow here) but still I know this is part of my journey – my life.

I thought when you graduate college and you have a job, you will be more mature, but nope. My life is a constant roll of trials and errors. Life is so hard. I know it should be.

I feel like I’m a caterpillar still undergoing metamorphosis, and probably, I think I’ll be here for long.

It’s so difficult that you have to be someone that others should like. Guess the line “you can never please everyone” does not really apply to everybody. Whether you like it or not, you always have to be a different person in every different situation. You have to please your family, please your friends, please people at work. It never ends.

Agree with me or not, we all have different sides of our personality. I am not saying we have multiple personalities – because that would be just crazy! (Unless you really are one heck of a bipolar psycopath) What I mean is we act differently with different people, primarily, to blend in. 

I, for one, have experienced to be in two very opposite environments. I practically grew up in a private school – I was raised there to be the person I am (or maybe the person I used to be… well, I’m not entirely sure now). After spending my formative years in a very comfortable community, with all the fun and excitement, I started and saw a new world. That is when I entered college.

Major Culture Shock!

I went to a state university, which is practically a public school. And I didn’t know anything about it. All I know is that my mom wants me take up Education in that school where one of her best friends graduated from. I have never heard of it before. But then, for the next four years, I came to embrace the school and its environment – which btw is totally different from before. Totally Different.

My lifestyle changed. Big Time

From zero in high school, to a little intriguing in college. I am talking about the person that I’ve become in college. I was different from my classmates, and that is unfortunate. At first, I never understood what they were talking about, and they can’t understand me either. I remember limiting myself with the things I can’t mention in school because I know they would judge me everytime – for being not like them. My first year in college was so hard – so hard that I want to cry everytime. (Luckily, I joined the volleyball varsity to make me feel at ease ) 

But then, three years after, I was still with those people. And I think couldn’t have survived college without them. The chapter is done. Now, off to flip another one.

New chapter, more changes.

I am back to discovering myself again, which sucks because I’ll never know where I am even going and how to do things more differently with all the new limitations I have in life.

But maybe, I am still young and learning, so please don’t get me wrong with the freaking decisions I am making.

I am still testing the waters.

I am still finding myself in this world.

Life is a constant spin. And you are never going to stop…

Middle Child Syndrome Craze

Recently, I’ve been really sensitive that I had series of emotional breakdowns. There were just a lot of issues at hand, and as a matter of fact, I couldn’t hold much burden.

My graduation is coming up and I feel less excited than I should be. I felt like people at home are not so outspoken with their happiness for me finishing college. Then, I just had a broken friendship, unexpected arguments, and an incident that broke my self-esteem apart. I felt like the world is against me and I got no one to talk to but my big stuffed teddy bears. I felt so vulnerable… It was a terrible feeling – a terrible moment in my life.

But then, having to know that someone feels the same makes me feel at ease. My friend had the same feeling – although less miserable than mine. Then, as we talked through it, we concluded that it’s just a MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME!!!

I’ve read few articles about it but let me share what exactly it is all about. The Middle Child Syndrome is when the middle child is given less attention than the eldest and the youngest.

I think it is unfair that parents or even the whole family think that way. There should be equality in treatment and recognition. I get it that things happen but it is all about the mindset of the people. It’s a graduation! It is a very important stage in my life. In someone’s life. It is where one’s life transitions to a more mature and complicated stage- the reality (higher priorities, more needs).

But then it’s all good. What matters is I know for a fact that my family is deep down very proud of me, each one of them. (FYI, I have a big family – my parents, an older brother, younger sister, 2 aunts, 2 cousins in their early 30’s & a 10-year old niece) No matter what happens, my family will always be there. We may not have the best personalities to match one another, but one thing is for sure is that we protect and support each other. No matter how far, how hard things go… love will overcome.

What If I’m Not Happy?

How can we say if we are happy? Is it when we feel carefree and extreme bliss?
I am actually so confused right now. I know I should be happy. The number of my days in college are numbered. I should be grateful that I am one step closer to have accomplish this stage in my life, but I am not.

The four years that I have stayed in this school, studying Education, taught me a lot about life. It opened my eyes to a side that I haven’t seen before. A side of different people, different lifestyles, different perspectives – different versions of life. It was quite a big change with who I am and what I should be doing with my life.

But recent events, got me wondering a lot. If I would have not chosen this path, what would I be right now?

Would I be a party girl? A person that I know is within me. Maybe I would have glamorous possessions and an abundant stock of clothing. I might be intimate with a guy, someone I would have met in a bar. I might have gone to places through hundreds of road trips with my college friends. Would I be so liberated as what I think I really am?

All these thoughts got me thinking…
What if the path that I did not choose would have been better?
What if the life I’m living right now pulled me away from the person that I should have become?

I realized these things when I think about the people I used to hang out with have lived the life that I might have had. I imagine myself being socially exposed to different kinds of people, exploring crazy things and being a totally different person.

Thinking about this makes me sad. My life in college has been dull. I’ve only lived with school and home – basically, my top priorities. I might have some escape fun trips but it didn’t last for long. I did not have much freedom as I have wanted.

But what the hell am I thinking?!!

MY LIFE IS GREAT!!!!
IT IS AWESOME! ūüėÄ

Maybe these are just life pleasures that an ambitious person like me would wish.
My life is spectacular , and I AM GRATEFUL.
For whatever I’ve been through, wherever I am, there must be some reason why I am here – in this place, in this time.

I have a wonderful family, a big happy family of crazy warfreaks. The special people who accept me despite my shortcomings.
I have a very small amount of friends that I trust and respect, friends that I am able to be myself and who understand the vicious side of me.
A future career that aspires me to bring change in the world through the young generation that I will be teaching.
I have a spiritual community that allows me to see life in a very positive way – a place where I feel so blessed.
And last but not the least, a big and powerful GOD – the author of my life,my guardian, my counselor and friend.

I AM HAPPY. I think everyone should be! If not, well, it is just you and only you who makes your life miserable. Be thankful for what you have, and for who you are.
And just wait!!! There are more things coming that you should be glad and thankful to have.

TOXIC Relationships

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
– a relationship between two people that has become unhealthy whether emotionally, physically or spiritually;
– a relationship fails or finds it difficult to attain its relationship goals and commitments to maintain their status
– a relationship wherein one or both of them feels unhappy or unsatisfied with the other person or the turn of events

Lately, I’ve heard some issues of people I know who is in a toxic relationship. Some of them¬†are on the verge of having a huge conflict while others unfortunately have ended it already.

At times when people come to you about their problems, you just have to listen, but not in my case. I like to interfere in these situations.

I am no expert in love and about relationships nor at giving advice. I only know is¬†to tell people what they want to hear. Yes, maybe we could just be passive listeners, but remember,¬†you won’t be able to help that person grow by listening.

Alam ko hindi madali ang maging ‘in a relationship’. Oo, masaya pero hindi laging masaya.

“Hindi araw-araw kilig. Hindi araw-araw pasko.” -Lola Nidora.

Walang kaginhawaan ang hindi dumadaan sa hirap. We go through rocks at one point in our relationships. Pero kung lagi naman kayo nandun sa stage na laging nagaaway, hindi na¬†nagkakaintindihan, aba mahirap na yun. It’s not a healthy relationship. You’re in a toxic relationship.

Perhaps you feel naging masyadong controlling yun partner mo o di kaya boring? O kaya dahil sa sobrang familiarity at kaya nagkasawaan na?

Maybe, the problem is that you forgot the essence of love in a relationship. Para saan nga ba ang magkaroon ng partner?

Always make sure that in every day, every second and every minute of your life, you let yourself be in love with your partner. (Love, Wedding & Marriage)

Oo, mahirap masaktan, but that’s part of life. We all get hurt. We are humans. The thing is‚Ķ do you get hurt with the right reasons?
Ewan ko ba ah pero alam kong mahirap panghawakan ang isang bagay na di naman nagpapasaya sayo.

It’s difficult to hold to something that hurts you.

Kung ang buhay ng tao kailangan ng food and shelter to survive, ang relationship din kailangan ng maintenance. It’s up to you how to spice up your relationship.

Kung hindi ka na masaya sa relationship mo bakit kailan pang magtagal?Kung pinapaasa ka lang naman ng tao, bakit ka magpapakatanga? Bakit pa maghihintay to the point na mas lalo ka lang masasaktan?

Choices lang naman yan. You have the ability to choose your path, to make the right choices. May karapatan kang lumigaya sa tamang oras, sa tamang tao.

Oo siguro mahirap iwanan ang isang bagay na nakasanayan mo na. Eh ang tanong, paano kung sa katagalan ganoon pa din, mas mahirap, papayag ka pa rin ba na ganoon nalang?

Will you stay? Or will you give yourself a chance for a better life, for a better partner. You need to be with someone who allows you to grow or who is willing to grow with you.

Relationships are about how someone completes you in your imperfections. It’s about being with someone who accepts you and understands you in any circumstances. It’s not just about flowers, chocolates neither time nor distance be the factor of it.

It’s about your determination to maintain a healthy and wonderful relationship with someone against all odds.

Looks, money, comfortableness or even the length of the relationship doesn’t define it. Love defines¬†the importance of that special person – the quality, the happiness it gives in your life.

You know it is love when you can’t feel anything but it.¬†– Barefoot

Kung hindi ka na din naman nabibigyan ng oras, halaga at pagmamahal, huwag ka na matiyaga. ANG LOVE BINIBIGAY SA ISANG TAONG DESERVING. HINDING-HINDI SINASAYANG ANG PAGMAMAHAL.

Kung hindi mo na mahal, huwag mo nang paasahin. Lahat naman ng bagay naayos sa paguusap at hindi sa silent treatment na naghihintay ka nalang na makipag-break siya sayo. Hindi ba’t mas magandang tapusin ang isang bagay nang may¬†pagkakaintindihan. Ang problema hinaharap, hindi iniiwan sa ere.

Huwag maging manhid. Huwag maging martyr. Mahalaga ka para mahalin ng iba at hindi saktan.

I am not sure of what I am really talking about here because I have never been in an intimate relationship. But after hearing stories, watching alot of romcom or romantic movies and reading romantic novels, I know enough to say these words to you. Meron din naman ako pinaghuhugutan

In the end, it’s all up to you‚Ķ
All you have to do is to answer this question:
Is it still worth fighting for?

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Kaya tayo sinasaktan ng taong mahal natin kasi baka may darating na isang tao na mas magmamahal sa atin, yun hindi tayo sasaktan.
-Popoy, One More Chance

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When you get into a relationship, you fall in love. May mananakit, may masasaktan. May mangiiwan, may naiiwan.
-Clark Medina, On The Wings of Love

Better way of making the right decision in life is to weigh things…

I’m 20 and still kicking!

Hooray for I just turned 20 years old today!

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Last year, on my birthday, I was 19 and told myself that I’m getting old. And I don’t want to be old yet. I still want to be young – to be a teenager. I used to think that I haven’t live my life yet. I wasn’t ready to let go of my teenage years.

Awhile ago, my friend asked me,
How does it feels to be twenty?
I told her that a year ago I don’t feel like getting old then. But now, I can say that I feel more matured and happy with my life.

Life is a journey through maturity and through the struggles we go through to survive it. Here I am, twenty years old, alive and kicking. I have faced life’s challenges for the past 20 years – ever since I cried when I came out of my mother’s womb to being picky with meals, having to bear the bed wetting days to having fight with friend and ended up losing alot, from the moment I almost fell in love to the point when I realized my purpose in life.

In every second, every minute of our lives we become mature. We experience things to better know the world. We constantly change to be the person we want to be. And I can say that I have grown into a wonderful woman, with parents who raised me well as a person and I couldn’t ask for any better. Through my struggles, I have become who I am now.

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A compassionate being with an understanding heart. A friend who thinks of the benefits of others than hers. A person passionate for change. And a humble human blessed with God’s grace to make a difference in this world.

Lastly, I want to say Goodbye to my teenage years, and also to my childhood. Thank you for the memories that made me who I am now.

The only wish that I have for my birthday is… I wish to become a better person, for me to embrace more people and be able to leave a mark in this world. I may fully love the people around me.

Lastly, Thank You God for bringing me to where I am and for leading me to where I should be. ūüėÄ

Short shorts for Short-legged Girls

As I was going out to meet my friends, my mom asked me why am I wearing shorts. I told her these reasons:

1. My pants won’t fit me anymore. I gained weight (because there’s too much food at home and because of my health condition I can’t do excercise).
2. It’s too hot to wear pants.
3. I’m much comfortable wearing shorts.
4. Lastly, pants don’t really fit my legs because they are short.

Too bad for people like me with short limbs, wearing pants would make people notice how short-legged you are. That’s why when I have the chance not to wear pants, I wear shorts, skirts, or a dress.
Yes, sometimes it’s a bit uncomfortable showing much legs but sometimes you’ve got to know the right clothes for you.

When you’re a short person, limit clothes of long length like long dresses.
When you’re dark, I suggest that you should not wear bright or neon colors. It just doesn’t seem to match.
When you’re a tall girl and you wear short shorts, damn, there’s too much legs to expose.
When you’re horizontally challenged, try to wear the perfect blouse with the right fit – not too tight and not too puffy.

Fashion is just a game of mix-and-match.
The perfect top with the perfect shoes. Putting the right amount of accessories to match your outfit.

Don’t overdress. Just wear something comfortable…
Or how about this, wear something that defines you.

Sometimes, the clothes that you wear presents the type of personality you have.

But remember, there are times that we get overwhelm we the design of clothes thinking it would be right for us, well, think twice. Sometimes, the perfect clothes in our eyes is not really that much perfect when you wear it.

No matter how much we want it, there are things that just won’t fit, things that don’t fit in our lives. #HugotMuch