I think it’s about time that I come back to writing and put up a life update. My drafts are seriously piling up. It doesn’t make me feel good. I have started so many thoughts but I have never finished one in a while. That basically means I wasn’t okay. Even until now.
The past year has been so tough. Leaving my previous job and putting myself into a new environment and new lifestyle, I had so much faith that things will be falling into place. (So excuse me if this blog might be just a personal rant, but I’ve been through so much and finally, I have the guts to pour it out.) Life really tests you. You’ll be happy for few minutes, and gives you a full-length Pinoy teleserye filled with drama, pain, hope, and dismay.
Last year, God sent me an amazing gift – the gift of genuine happiness and pure love through a wonderful messed up person. I was head over heels for the time He granted me with it, but He had other plans. Little did I know, He has just given me a taste of it. He took away all of the blissful feeling abruptly, leaving me broken, alone, and miserable. It was the most painful I have ever been, and I don’t want to ever dive into that emotion ever again (imma save this for another blog). It was so terrible that it tested even my faith in God. What’s worse – I had to face most of it alone.
I have learned to open up to only few people who are sensitive enough not to judge me and make me feel bad in the process. I don’t need pity, nor some judgy sermon, I needed understanding. I had few friends, people I trust with my very fragile emotions. I am eternally grateful I had them at the time I was down, unmotivated, and such a mess.
But what I am most grateful for is that I have learned to be by myself – vulnerable yet independent. Compartmentalizing helped me a lot to focus on my priorities without getting affected by the shit I had to go through. Then, I also got tired of bothering others with my problems. I didn’t want to be a burden a much as I am already to myself – to my emotions, but most importantly to my motivation.
I knew I was broken and a mess, still I was scared to ask for help.
Talking about this brings back a lot of unpleasant memories. But still, it taught me so much about pain, that no matter what, it really does take a whole lot of process to get rid of it, or at least just to lessen how much it affects your being (and yes, present tense). Then, regardless, of all the stupid acts and foolish thoughts I had, I have learned how to deal with my problems ON MY OWN. It wasn’t really my target, but I had no choice. I am so proud of myself on what I have accomplished – I have learned not to need others to fix my problem. Because I knew at the end of the day, after hearing all the pieces of advice I could get, it would always be still up to me.
Being broken really did take a toll on me but time did its job.
Later on, life gave me more things to be grateful for.
God reminded me that even if I did not have anyone special, I had my kids – my babies. I have my babies who I deeply care for and who adore me as well. He reminded me that I am living my purpose (to influence others, especially these young people) in the lives of these amazing teenagers with their raging hormones and self-identity crisis. I don’t know what else could replace the feeling of being a part of their growth, their own journeys. My relationships with them are so precious that I value every bit of trust they have given me. I LOVE MY BABIES with everything that I have (again, for another blog haha). They inspire me to be the better person I can be. And I am not even exaggerating. They were there to shed some light in my soul – they make me smile; they make me happy; basically, my babies spark Chebby up. ❤
Even if I lost some good people in the past year, I have met the most random human beings who have inspired me to be tougher and smarter to know what is the right decision and what I deserve in life. They might not know my past, my habits, or my whole story, but these few people showed up in my darkest hours when I was so confused. They cared about me for a moment, regardless, I will treasure each one for rescuing me. They helped me cover up that hole in my heart.
I was happy again. I had hope.
Then, I was sad. Filled with disappointment AGAIN.
The cycle goes on.
And I am just tired of hoping – of trying.
I am just tired of praying, asking for that one blessing.
But then, I still have to pray.
At least, just to talk to Him, and ask Him one last time to stop playing with my heart, with my life.
Like I said, I have been through so much.
I have gotten to the point where I stopped wanting people to want me.
I have so much time to focus in building this independent willful confident smart woman in me. But being strong is exhausting most of the time.
THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A ROLLER COASTER.
People always expect me to be the usual optimistic cheerful person. But then, I sometimes just want to mope around, and cry. Then, it will scare me a lot because it depresses me. I have never even described myself as an ‘anxious’ person. I have never even used the phrase “I’m having anxiety”, not until this year. And having to learn how it feels and what triggers it, SCARES ME. I feel like I am being tied down, held back by my spirits into this dark cave, and I just wanna curl up at the bottom. I DON’T LIKE IT. I DON’T WANT IT. Then, I am mature enough to realize that I needed that, too. I have the right to feel sorry for myself. Just for a moment. Cause I am human.
The next thing I know, I come back up, ON MY OWN. (Maybe ranting to a friend or two.)
Honestly, no one will pull you up but yourself.
No one would risk that much to be in the dark cave with you to help you crawl out.
They would just yell at you from the outside, then, it is all you.
Last, but not the least, WHEN I AM READY… I PRAY. It ALWAYS comes to this because I know that praying makes me whole again. God makes me whole again.
I have realized that no matter how much pain, disappointment, and anxiety I might feel, I will always find comfort in His arms.
The past year has been so conflicting, as it sounds. I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t even know what this year has left for me. I just want to be lost.
I want to be lost in God’s plans for me.
Even if you might not have faith in a God like mine, remember that every single thing, every feeling, every thought, every pain, every drop of joy matters to where we are right now.
It doesn’t define who we have become today but it rather brings us to who we want to be from here.
Don’t be scared.
Embrace every struggle, and welcome every victory.
LIFE IS DEFINITELY TOUGH.
You just have to be tougher. 🙂