Make it or Break it

In times in our lives, things get so complicated that we lose sight of what really matters. And sometimes we tend to forget how things should be – realistically and practically speaking.
We are so lost in confusion that we didn’t know how to handle things anymore. 

Then, we let the world – the people  around us, the situation we allow – dictate the things that happen… but we should not. 

Flipping coins, having a random roulette, and closing your eyes then opening them to show you which you should choose or do are just some silly ways to get manipulated by luck.

We all want things. Yes, there are choices, and as humans with an intellectual capability, we can narrow those down to which is more important. But what do we do? We assume that we are too weak to determine for ourselves what is best for us. We even end up always relying on other people to make these decisions for us.

This is just unfortunate that most of us are cowards. We are not able to take the risks because we are afraid on how it is going to affect us, the plans and principles we have. But if not cowardice, we are misleaded by the risky things we do.

I have taken a huge risk. But things and situations change so quickly, even our perspectives do. Then, it changes our decisions.

So, we tend to create these scenes where we get to decide whether it is a “make it” or “break it”moment. Well, for me… it was a “break it” moment. And because it happened, it made things clearer for me. 

Yes, we should take risks.

I knew it was risky… that was my fault.

I had to go through some shitty things and stupid decisions first – outing myself too much and doing such reckless and bold moves, before it knocks me right over and wakes me up from this obnoxious idea. (Well, literally, my bestfriend pulled my hair; the other threatened to slap me.)

It hurts to get blinded by your desires and this flattery idea because at the end, you are the loser. You expected too much. He doesn’t care.


Now, I get the urge of still playing this petty “game” but, this time, with a different approach. 

This is the part where I build myself up.

I spend too much time manipulating people to like me that I even forgot to show them that I am already amazing the way I am (in my own way, thiugh). Because I have this drive that I need to adjust to meet his standards, but I was wrong – that was a pathetic move. Why be somebody else for him? I tried to be cool and be liberated to match him. But the heck, I wasted so much time of senseless conversations.

Yes, we do some reckless things sometimes. And I think that is part of learning – the hard way. That’s practically fine… because it opened my eyes.

So, then I have realized that I kept losing myself, my direction, with these dreamy realities that I forgot I have a life to live.

Bird Set Free đź•Š

I have been living with something that has been holding me back for so long – for many years now. And finally, I have released myself from captivity – from keeping in my feelings about it. I have realized that it is time to move on and let go of everything that disables me to see the future ahead.
It may be vague, as I have experienced, but leaving things out in the open and letting time heal it never answer the questions “what happened?”, “why did it not work out?” and “what went wrong?”

I deeply believe that the best thing in building a good relationship is proper communication, none of those audio-video devices or applications that hinder us from connecting with other people. We connect through each other’s eyes. We feel each other’s souls. We comprehend their personality through their actions. And that is the best thing about being physically present.

Not communicating is never a goodbye. It is a death wish that will haunt you and will make you feel guilty for the rest of your lives. So, no matter how hard it is to try, no matter how complicated things might go, we should face the things that troubles us.

Life can be just over in a snap. Why waste the time of wondering things when you can actually do it?

It is definitely hard to let go of something familiar and comfortable. But sooner or later, we have to loose things in life, in order to welcome not only new things but better – even greater things you never had before.

Sometime in our lives we should make that jump.

Take the risk to even try. Yes, you might get hurt and disappoint yourself, but atleast you will have one less of a regret to not look back into anymore.

I am scared. And I think everybody is. I am scared of changing things, most especially people in my life. We always get scared of meeting new people, thinking that they would not like you as the former do. But that is the thing… change is adjustment. It is to begin a new phase in your life. and to embrace the feeling of it.

Who am I kidding? This is a blog about love.

Life is full of choices. Everybody makes the right choices that made us where we are now, but most of the time we make the wrong and stupid ones that put us in this complicated situation called living.

Pumili ka ng lalaki na mas mahal ka kaysa sa mahal mo siya.

(Be with a man who loves you more than you love him.)

– My Mother, 2016

I have been told once (by my professor, after I reported once about the “Types of Boys” -yes, I know cringe-y) that you can’t choose who to love. Well, I beg to differ. Yes, you can.

You can’t choose the person who loves you, but you can choose whether to give back the love or not. We can’t just force things to happen. (Selfish, I know.) There are some things we should do because it is the right thing to do, and not because we are too human that we should have mercy and just love whoever loves us. That is not fair.

We are human beings capable of weighing the choices in our lives.

People change overtime, sadly.

Usually, they become different from what we were used to.

So when they do change, sometimes we see things in a different angle. We change our preferences. Because it is through time that we mature and learn to decide justifiably.

I know that some people are blinded by love and forgot about reality. 

Our reality should be wherein people think, decide, choose, and live with less regrets.

The Time I Talk About My Heart

I was checking my Facebook posts that I put out in public, and one of those is my post last year after I had my heart procedure.

blog-heart

As I read this and the replies that I got from concerned people, I remembered the feeling.

I talk about the story how I come to have this heart syndrome, but I never talked about how I felt.

I feel… Helpless.

I remember the days back in 2014 when I had tons of medical tests for heart and cardio just to figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve been through few specialists. I had regular medications before.

It was a routine I had to make. A lifestyle I had to change. 

And it was hard… changing things in my life.

Limiting myself from what I love to do best… sports and everything that is physically exhausting.

It sucks being in captivity with this heart syndrome (WPWS).

Before, I always give time for a run after school during my college days, but now, I could hardly take my difficulty in breathing. And I would pity myself as I try to run.

There were days when people would look at me with such worry in their eyes as they see me in pain and could not breathe properly. I may have the attention of the crowd, but for the unfortunate and pathetic reason.

I did not choose this.

I thought this would be my story of success, but actually it is a story of my burden.

I’ve gone through the procedure – Radio Frequency Ablation, and it was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life, making it as the very first time I was hospitalized. And my parents spent a lot of money just to make sure to have it removed, to have my heart fix.

It’s been almost eight months since the procedure, and I can still remember the smile my doctor gave me after he thought it was a success. And I can also remember the faces of everyone when he announced that I wasn’t still fine. That it came back.

It was devastating. But no one knows how bad I felt. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show that there was nothing to be sad about, that we went through this for a good and justifiable reason.

They never knew why I am not that motivated anymore to go back for follow up consultations to see my doctor. I am deeply disappointed. I know he, my doctor, is, too, for that is the first time he failed the procedure. But I can’t blame him. I know he is a good doctor, and he and his team did their best. It’s just unfortunate that I have a complicated heart condition.

I don’t wanna live like this.

I don’t want to have this kind of heart which stops me from enjoying life itself. I just want things to be back to normal without anyone thinking about if I get stressed, if I did not have enough sleep, if I had too much caffeine or alcohol, if I run around organizing events too much, if I am tired from playing volleyball, jogging or even dancing, or if I even belt out songs too hard.

I wanna go back to the days when I can where my rubber shoes and put on my earphones on, and jog for an hour. I miss those days when I can freely exhaust myself from running back and forth receiving a hit from a volleyball. I miss those days when I didn’t have to face minor panic attacks when I start to get nervous.

I know I am still me. 

But without those things, I feel incomplete. It has been a part of me for so long, and I want it back.

I want to ride a roller coaster, and not have to control my excitement, so my heart could beat normally.

I don’t wanna restrict myself. I wanna live these years as I can.

After having beating myself up here with pity and tears, I am still me – the ultimately optimistic me. I know it’s a part of my life for sometime now that I have to get used to.

I am strong. I have to face the odds, and beat this heart syndrome.

I can, and I will conquer.

I should not let this hold back myself… because I know, looking up, He has greater and brighter plans for me that I should look forward to.

 

 

I Teach to Inspire

I am currently halfway through my practice teaching. As of now, I’ve already felt how hard it can be to become a teacher, as well as how fun it is.

I used to tell myself that I’ll be that uptight teacher but funny teacher. But now, I think I can’t be like that; instead, be that kind and approachable teacher and strict at times needed. I don’t like my students to fear me. I want them to respect me out of likeness (or even love). I deeply value words of affection and at the same time the act of having to discipline them accordingly.

I don’t want my students to take me for granted. It is important to touch them with your words.

One time, the lesson I was asked to teach is about personal challenges. All we did in class was to talk about their problems and difficulties within themselves. image I was so touched to learn that the activity brought something good to my students. They liked the activity because they felt light and free after it. They learned how to trust and not to judge other people. They knew that they will have that special friend in their class that they can always rely on. It’s overwhelming to hear that kind of feedback from my students. One of my students even cried having her remember her challenges in life. I sort of panicked for a moment because I didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. (Well, I just told her that it will go away soon).

As for my last part of the lesson, I said these words (as I can recall it):

We all experience challenges in our lives, whether if it’s small or big, even within our family, our friends or lovelife. Even if it’s as simple as sitting on the throne, on your toilet, trying as hard so it will come out (and my students laugh at this). Or a big problem in your academics, challenging you to get good grades. Whatever challenges you face in life, I want you to say these words:

image “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!” (if they only knew how Barney Stinson interpreted this) After that, I told them one of my challenges in life which is my heart condition. I got them all staring at me and paid attention. I told them how difficult my situation is and how controlled my life is right now. That I feel tons of fear when it attacks. But then I get to tell them… even if I felt so nervous to share it to them.

What do I do when it happens? I stay calm and not panic. And I just tell myself that everything will be alright. Always be positive…

It feels so wonderful to be able to let your students realize that challenges are parts of our lives. We don’t have to be afraid because our challenges teaches us to be stronger, wiser, and braver. It teaches us to get up for the 8th time when we fell for 7 times.

I’m still a practice teacher but I felt like I have already inspired my students even just a little – I really do hope so. I know that is God’s purpose for me, 🙂 I know that is what He wants for  my life… to inspire young minds for a better future.

Thank You God for everything, for making me who You want me to be 🙂