Keeping Up With My Resolutions

I don’t usually make resolutions because I think it’s a little sad that people think we can only change when another year begins. But there is something with age and experience that make me really think about resolutions. So, I came up with ten. Yes, ten things to really focus on doing this year.

I am pretty much a believer, so I do what I say.  It is also helpful to let people know your resolutions because they can help you monitor your commitment to it.

1) BE MORE PRIVATE. KEEP ‘EM GUESSING.

My life is an open book, and I don’t mind people knowing my stories. But that is the difference, my stories are different from who Chelby really is. They do not know the real me until I value our friendship.

I do love social media especially how it keeps us connected, but I do not like how sometimes we only post good things for people to admire or be envy at.

I somewhat have a rule wherein I do not accept a person’s request unless I have seen or met him/her personally, just because I don’t like being judged for what they only see online. Honestly, people inevitably make conclusions on the kind of person you are based on what you do, where you go, or what you post.

Limiting myself from giving too much away online will keep people guessing how things in my life got there. And if you wanna know me more? Don’t pry on silly things I post; send me a message. Then, I’ll give time for you, as I always do.

2) PRAY WHEN THINGS GET CONFUSING.

I have a rocky relationship with God. There are times when I am too busy to even acknowledge His existence that I forget to pray.

To have a solid communication with Him, I have little book called Didache which some Catholics use to have their daily reflection of the bible. And sometimes, this book gives you what you really need – the serenity of the mind and contentment of the heart.

So far, I feel happy and at ease as I start my day reading Didache, then I say a quick prayer while I sometimes listen to a worship song.

God is really an amazing listener. He is the most wonderful friend a person could ever have. My life has been so lucky ever since I constantly put Him at the beginning of my day. Why don’t you give Him a try? 🙂

Most importantly, I don’t forget to pray for every person in my life. Honestly, if you are reading my blog, then I have already included you in my prayers.

3) ONLY HAVE FRIENDS IF NECESSARY.

I have very few close friends that I know I will have for my lifetime, and these are the ones who I deeply care about their opinions, who I finish my chores early for to go on dates with them, and who have every right to scold at me when I do stupid things.

But, I do have other friends outside these small circles that I entertain as well. I am not a snob. I love it when someone comes to me to rant or whenever they need help.

There are also times that I do not need more people to open up to. Or sometimes I do not need any friend at all. I wanna learn how not to be dependent and handle things my own way.

Sometimes, the process of involving my friends or other people affects the end result wherein I could have done better if other people were not in my way.
(Did you get what I’m saying?)

But you gotta choose those moments. Your friends’ validation or comments sometimes help you feel better.

4) HUG MORE!

Everyone knows I am not a hugger. It’s not just my love language. I love more with words, time, and action. But my beautiful MDM students (not my clingy sister) who I dearly love taught me that hugs are essential, so I want to hug more for the people who needs it. I wanna let them know that I actually care.

5) LEARN HOW TO DISAGREE AND APOLOGIZE PROPERLY.

Like my mom, I sometimes do tough love, and it’s hard. I don’t like putting people down because I have to. I wanna be more sensitive with my words and how it can affect other’s feelings. I am sometimes go way out of line and really throw some harsh words that pains not only others, but me as well.

6) HONESTLY, BE HEALTHY.

Last year, I drowned myself with work and a lot of eat-outs with my friends. I was careless about how my body looks like. I grew fat and I hate when people mention it to me. I got very conscious every time others would be bothered by my weight. So, I finally had to shut those opinions by following the ketogenic diet. I also promised myself that I will make it a point to exercise at least twice a week. Aside from looking good (so I can wear my body hugging dresses and skirts again hehe), I need to have a healthy heart and a good cardio as well.

7) TRY MORE THINGS.

I am almost near the middle of my twenties, and honestly, I haven’t lived my life as I should. I want to explore. I want to learn new things. I need to experience life.

I have a lot of fears and doubts, honestly, I want to face each of it. I cannot limit myself anymore because it’s not safe or I am just afraid of having regrets. I need to put myself out there, to make more memories – good, heartbreaking, embarrassing, and blissful ones.

8) DITCH TV SERIES, START READING AGAIN!

Hmm… I don’t know about this but I will try. We have books on the shelves that haven’t been read, and that is sad. I LOVE FILM AND TV SHOWS but BOOKS ARE MAGICAL THINGS. And I will be missing out on the magical experience of creativity and imagination if I do not read those classics, sci-fi novels, and those sappy ones, too.

9) BE MORE ORGANIZED WITH YOUR GOALS.

I am not a freak when it comes to organizing. I like multi-tasking and procrastinating but I still have to stay focus not on actual things but with my goals. It does not really matter for me how I can get there. I care more about when I have achieved my goals, and that’s all of it. I know the process is essential but it is more fulfilling to think about what you are reaching for.

10) GIVE MORE TIME TO WRITING.

This is me giving more time to writing. This is what I am passionate about. I love my words and I love it better when people can relate to it. It overwhelms me the most when they appreciate it and thank me for saying what people need to hear. I have been told that my blogs are enlightening. That is practically I am aiming for. Aside from writing blogs, I also want to give more time to fill up my journal and my planner. I wanna have these good written memories to look back into after a year or a decade. I truly feel good when I write. It does take a lot of time and effort to be in the right zone to write but it makes me happy.

I know I already have 10 resolutions but this one is just an important reminder, I guess.

GIVE MORE EFFORT TO MY FAMILY

I love my friends. I am such an extrovert. I like accommodating and entertaining people. But I forgot to always appreciate my family. This time, I also promise to give time for them. Sometimes, there are practical things to give but honestly, it is all about the good conversations you have with them.

My family is loud, weird, fun, and pretty warfreak. I know they are toxic most of the time HAHA but I guess they are the only toxic people that I will forever have in my life; nobody else. And I am so thankful for them no matter the differences.

I write these not only for this year, but I write these to start doing it this year and onward.  I want to keep doing this because I need to be this person, and it starts this year.
Change is inevitable, yes, but change has to be progressive.

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Your Mess, My Burden

It is getting shitty…

Hoping someone would come into my life and sweep me off my feet.

Wishing to have someone who would send me ‘good morning’ and ‘sweet dreams’. 

Dreaming that someone would surprise me with his little thoughtful gestures. 

Having someone who would allow me to be myself and would accept me for all my flaws.

But I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Because you messed me up.

Because you broke my perception of love.

You broke my idea of being wanted by someone.

“Love? I haven’t heard of it. Even the sound of it offends me.” -Peter Pan

Of all the times you showed me affection, you would take me up in the skies and make me feel all the wonders of being somebody to another’s life, being special to you.

But then, you would take your fair share, your own satisfaction, and leave me above to let me constantly fall for something that was not there in the first place. 

I never got the chance to really define how falling in love is supposed to be. Was it that so hard to be wanted by someone without doubts or questions, no terms, no limits? I did not know. Cause you never showed me feelings, at least the genuine ones.

How could I have someone without thinking about how you treated me?

How could I love someone without getting rejected?

How could I be accepted without feeling insecure about myself?

You ruined me.

Then…

I ruined myself.

I ruined myself to not be wanted because inevitably I would mess up my emotions.

I ruined myself to be this hopeless wrecked person who unintentionally drives him away, he – the guy who could possibly teach me to fall in love, for real this time, the guy who could show me how wonderful I am amidst my terrible past, my imperfect present, and my doubtful future. 

I ruined myself to have forgotten my worth that I would recklessy put myself in risky situations. 

I ruined myself to be loved unconditionally.

But then, I am grateful for the mess you left. 

It taught me how to clean this shit up.

And it was just simple:

Never end up with someone like you.

Never end up with someone who would see me as a wild card, as a free pass. I deserve to be loved more than I could ever love someone else

Never end up with someone who would only be satisfied with the idea of loving someone but to be with him whose intentions are direct and real. 

Never end up with someone who would not be man enough to stand by his words, but to be with him who does everything in his will to keep trying.

Never end up with someone who couldn’t give me the chance I deserve.

But this mess is so big, I have to constantly remind myself to never stop…

Never stop fixing myself: be smart, guard your heart, and protect your pride.

And I cannot wait for the day when this would be spotless and shiny because a better and bigger man showed me how important I am, not as someone special, but because someone would show me how important I am as a person. Not only because he has to show me, but also he believes so.

If not someone, well, I will never get tired of cleaning up your mess until this pain will finally just become a memory.

Until you will just be a footprint on the sand washed by ocean. 

Until you will just be a blur in the background of a photograph. 

Until you will just be a tiny scar in my invincible heart.

Make it or Break it

Sometimes in our lives, things get so complicated that we lose sight of what really matters. And sometimes we tend to forget how things should be – realistically and practically speaking.

We are so lost in confusion that we didn’t know how to handle things anymore. 

Then, we let the world – the people  around us, the situation we allow – dictate the things that happen… but we should not. 

Flipping coins, having a random roulette, and closing your eyes then opening them to show you which you should choose or do are just some silly ways to get manipulated by luck.

We all want things. Yes, there are choices, and as humans with an intellectual capability, we can narrow those down to which is more important. But what do we do? We assume that we are too weak to determine for ourselves what is best for us. We even end up always relying on other people to make these decisions for us.

This is just unfortunate that most of us are cowards. We are not able to take the risks because we are afraid on how it is going to affect us, the plans and principles we have. But if not cowardice, we are misled by the risky things we do.

I have taken a huge risk. But things and situations change so quickly, even our perspectives do. Then, it changes our decisions.

So, we tend to create these scenes where we get to decide whether it is a “make it” or “break it”moment. Well, for me… it was a “break it” moment. And because it happened, it made things clearer for me. 

Yes, we should take risks.

I knew it was risky… and that was my fault.

I had to go through some shitty things and stupid decisions first – outing myself too much and doing such reckless and bold moves -before it knocks me right over and wakes me up from this obnoxious idea. (Well, literally, my bestfriend pulled my hair; the other threatened to slap me because of this.)

It hurts to get blinded by your desires and this flattery idea because at the end, you are the loser. You expected too much. He doesn’t care.


Now, I get the urge of still playing this petty “game” but, this time, with a different approach. 

It is now the part where I build myself up.

I spend too much time manipulating people to like me that I even forgot to show them that I am already amazing the way I am. Probably, I have this drive that I need to adjust myself to his standards, but I was wrong – that was a pathetic move. Why be somebody else for him? I tried to be cool and be liberated to get his interest. But the heck, I just wasted so much time of senseless conversations. It was all dumb. I was such a fool for him.

Yes, we do some reckless things sometimes. And I think that is part of learning – the hard way. That’s practically fine… because it opened my eyes.

And after all these thinking, I have realized that I kept losing myself, my direction, in these dreamy realities that I forgot I have a life to live.

Bird Set Free 🕊

I have been living with something that has been holding me back for so long – for many years now. And finally, I have released myself from captivity – from keeping in my feelings about it. I have realized that it is time to move on and let go of everything that disables me to see the future ahead.
It may be vague, as I have experienced, but leaving things out in the open and letting time heal it never answer the questions “what happened?”, “why did it not work out?” and “what went wrong?”

I deeply believe that the best thing in building a good relationship is proper communication, none of those audio-video devices or applications that hinder us from connecting with other people. We connect through each other’s eyes. We feel each other’s souls. We comprehend their personality through their actions. And that is the best thing about being physically present.

Not communicating is never a goodbye. It is a death wish that will haunt you and will make you feel guilty for the rest of your lives. So, no matter how hard it is to try, no matter how complicated things might go, we should face the things that troubles us.

Life can be just over in a snap. Why waste the time of wondering things when you can actually do it?

It is definitely hard to let go of something familiar and comfortable. But sooner or later, we have to loose things in life, in order to welcome not only new things but better – even greater things you never had before.

Sometime in our lives we should make that jump.

Take the risk to even try. Yes, you might get hurt and disappoint yourself, but atleast you will have one less of a regret to not look back into anymore.

I am scared. And I think everybody is. I am scared of changing things, most especially people in my life. We always get scared of meeting new people, thinking that they would not like you as the former do. But that is the thing… change is adjustment. It is to begin a new phase in your life. and to embrace the feeling of it.

Who am I kidding? This is a blog about love.

Life is full of choices. Everybody makes the right choices that made us where we are now, but most of the time we make the wrong and stupid ones that put us in this complicated situation called living.

Pumili ka ng lalaki na mas mahal ka kaysa sa mahal mo siya.

(Be with a man who loves you more than you love him.)

– My Mother, 2016

I have been told once (by my professor, after I reported once about the “Types of Boys” -yes, I know cringe-y) that you can’t choose who to love. Well, I beg to differ. Yes, you can.

You can’t choose the person who loves you, but you can choose whether to give back the love or not. We can’t just force things to happen. (Selfish, I know.) There are some things we should do because it is the right thing to do, and not because we are too human that we should have mercy and just love whoever loves us. That is not fair.

We are human beings capable of weighing the choices in our lives.

People change overtime, sadly.

Usually, they become different from what we were used to.

So when they do change, sometimes we see things in a different angle. We change our preferences. Because it is through time that we mature and learn to decide justifiably.

I know that some people are blinded by love and forgot about reality. 

Our reality should be wherein people think, decide, choose, and live with less regrets.

The Time I Talk About My Heart

I was checking my Facebook posts that I put out in public, and one of those is my post last year after I had my heart procedure.

blog-heart

As I read this and the replies that I got from concerned people, I remembered the feeling.

I talk about the story how I come to have this heart syndrome, but I never talked about how I felt.

I feel… Helpless.

I remember the days back in 2014 when I had tons of medical tests for heart and cardio just to figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve been through few specialists. I had regular medications before.

It was a routine I had to make. A lifestyle I had to change. 

And it was hard… changing things in my life.

Limiting myself from what I love to do best… sports and everything that is physically exhausting.

It sucks being in captivity with this heart syndrome (WPWS).

Before, I always give time for a run after school during my college days, but now, I could hardly take my difficulty in breathing. And I would pity myself as I try to run.

There were days when people would look at me with such worry in their eyes as they see me in pain and could not breathe properly. I may have the attention of the crowd, but for the unfortunate and pathetic reason.

I did not choose this.

I thought this would be my story of success, but actually it is a story of my burden.

I’ve gone through the procedure – Radio Frequency Ablation, and it was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life, making it as the very first time I was hospitalized. And my parents spent a lot of money just to make sure to have it removed, to have my heart fix.

It’s been almost eight months since the procedure, and I can still remember the smile my doctor gave me after he thought it was a success. And I can also remember the faces of everyone when he announced that I wasn’t still fine. That it came back.

It was devastating. But no one knows how bad I felt. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show that there was nothing to be sad about, that we went through this for a good and justifiable reason.

They never knew why I am not that motivated anymore to go back for follow up consultations to see my doctor. I am deeply disappointed. I know he, my doctor, is, too, for that is the first time he failed the procedure. But I can’t blame him. I know he is a good doctor, and he and his team did their best. It’s just unfortunate that I have a complicated heart condition.

I don’t wanna live like this.

I don’t want to have this kind of heart which stops me from enjoying life itself. I just want things to be back to normal without anyone thinking about if I get stressed, if I did not have enough sleep, if I had too much caffeine or alcohol, if I run around organizing events too much, if I am tired from playing volleyball, jogging or even dancing, or if I even belt out songs too hard.

I wanna go back to the days when I can where my rubber shoes and put on my earphones on, and jog for an hour. I miss those days when I can freely exhaust myself from running back and forth receiving a hit from a volleyball. I miss those days when I didn’t have to face minor panic attacks when I start to get nervous.

I know I am still me. 

But without those things, I feel incomplete. It has been a part of me for so long, and I want it back.

I want to ride a roller coaster, and not have to control my excitement, so my heart could beat normally.

I don’t wanna restrict myself. I wanna live these years as I can.

After having beating myself up here with pity and tears, I am still me – the ultimately optimistic me. I know it’s a part of my life for sometime now that I have to get used to.

I am strong. I have to face the odds, and beat this heart syndrome.

I can, and I will conquer.

I should not let this hold back myself… because I know, looking up, He has greater and brighter plans for me that I should look forward to.

 

 

Trailers, Big No No!

2017 is here and I’m sure it is preparing everyone with big surprises. One of those would be the anticipated movies that will be showing this year – Beauty and the Beast, Fifty Shades Darker, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Logan, Justice League, Spiderman: Homecoming, The Fate of the Furious, Pitch Perfect 3, Anabelle 2, and the list goes on and on.

With these upcoming movies come the movie trailers. (FYI, there are actually companies who make the trailers, not just the movie production team. I’ve learned it from one movie, though.)  Trailers are merely snippets of the movies. And I know that people watch these short clips from the movies to clench their craving for it. It makes them think. It makes them wonder and get all excited about it. I think that these companies, which make the movie trailers, make it appoint to present the highlights of the story. But, in truth, it is actually sad, at least for me.

I HATE TRAILERS.  I dislike watching trailers.

Trailers are the major spoilers on the planet. (Okay, I might be a little exaggerating there.) It is kind of dumb to know what lies ahead before you actually see it – before you experience the moment.  And, it just makes you see the good parts in the movie.

We must not deprive ourselves with some element of surprise. 

Maybe, me hating trailers started when I watched this drama movie. I watched the trailer of this movie, which I forgot what it was. The story – at least what is presented in the trailer – is very intriguing, so I watched it online. Then, only to find out, it disappointed me. It wasn’t the best drama movie I have ever watched. I swear I really forgot the title of this movie. It was years ago that I have watched this movie but what I can remember is the plot was weak and the setting was dull.

Henceforth, I never (okay, an understatement) watched a trailer since. Maybe, I’ve watched some, but I think those were the movie trailers for action movies and animated ones.

I hate getting spoiled with what is coming. Don’t you want to not know what is going to happen when you watch a movie?

Honestly, I don’t even watch those few seconds of preview for the next episodes of TV series. I just skipped to the next one at once or close it. The thing I hate the most are the trailers for upcoming soap operas on Philippine TV. Like damn! They have this 5-minute trailers of the plot of the whole teleserye. I remember saying once after watching a trailer (I think it was the upcoming TV series of Bea Alonzo and Ian Veneracion), “Ay grabe! Ayoko nang panuorin. Alam ko na story.” At the beginning of the trailer, I thought of  wanting to watch it, but then, the trailer won’t just stop. Wala na. It gave me the gist of the story. Bummer. Spoiler!

Judge me. Say I’m crazy. Yes, I am different (because I want to be).

But that is just me and my out-of-the-box mind.

Life is better when you are spontaneous. Do not overload yourself with things you should not worry about that much. Let the world surprise you, and you will be amazed.

Live for the Spectacular Now 🙂

 

Where Am I?

It’s been along time since I have written a blog.

Probably by this time, few of my students will get to drop by at this blog. Yes, I am working already… HEY!!!

I have been teaching at this school inside BF Paranaque for almost six months now. And I am so grateful for where I am right now. It may not be the “perfect” job but I know I have to be here. I may not stay here for long (or who knows I’ll professionally grow here) but still I know this is part of my journey – my life.

I thought when you graduate college and you have a job, you will be more mature, but nope. My life is a constant roll of trials and errors. Life is so hard. I know it should be.

I feel like I’m a caterpillar still undergoing metamorphosis, and probably, I think I’ll be here for long.

It’s so difficult that you have to be someone that others should like. Guess the line “you can never please everyone” does not really apply to everybody. Whether you like it or not, you always have to be a different person in every different situation. You have to please your family, please your friends, please people at work. It never ends.

Agree with me or not, we all have different sides of our personality. I am not saying we have multiple personalities – because that would be just crazy! (Unless you really are one heck of a bipolar psycopath) What I mean is we act differently with different people, primarily, to blend in. 

I, for one, have experienced to be in two very opposite environments. I practically grew up in a private school – I was raised there to be the person I am (or maybe the person I used to be… well, I’m not entirely sure now). After spending my formative years in a very comfortable community, with all the fun and excitement, I started and saw a new world. That is when I entered college.

Major Culture Shock!

I went to a state university, which is practically a public school. And I didn’t know anything about it. All I know is that my mom wants me take up Education in that school where one of her best friends graduated from. I have never heard of it before. But then, for the next four years, I came to embrace the school and its environment – which btw is totally different from before. Totally Different.

My lifestyle changed. Big Time

From zero in high school, to a little intriguing in college. I am talking about the person that I’ve become in college. I was different from my classmates, and that is unfortunate. At first, I never understood what they were talking about, and they can’t understand me either. I remember limiting myself with the things I can’t mention in school because I know they would judge me everytime – for being not like them. My first year in college was so hard – so hard that I want to cry everytime. (Luckily, I joined the volleyball varsity to make me feel at ease ) 

But then, three years after, I was still with those people. And I think couldn’t have survived college without them. The chapter is done. Now, off to flip another one.

New chapter, more changes.

I am back to discovering myself again, which sucks because I’ll never know where I am even going and how to do things more differently with all the new limitations I have in life.

But maybe, I am still young and learning, so please don’t get me wrong with the freaking decisions I am making.

I am still testing the waters.

I am still finding myself in this world.

Life is a constant spin. And you are never going to stop…