Your Mess, My Burden

It is getting shitty…

Hoping someone would come into my life and sweep me off my feet.

Wishing to have someone who would send me ‘good morning’ and ‘sweet dreams’. 

Dreaming that someone would surprise me with his little thoughtful gestures. 

Having someone who would allow me to be myself and would accept me for all my flaws.

But I don’t see it happening any time soon.

Because you messed me up.

Because you broke my perception of love.

You broke my idea of being wanted by someone.

“Love? I haven’t heard of it. Even the sound of it offends me.” -Peter Pan

Of all the times you showed me affection, you would take me up in the skies and make me feel all the wonders of being somebody to another’s life, being special to you.

But then, you would take your fair share, your own satisfaction, and leave me above to let me constantly fall for something that was not there in the first place. 

I never got the chance to really define how falling in love is supposed to be. Was it that so hard to be wanted by someone without doubts or questions, no terms, no limits? I did not know. Cause you never showed me feelings, at least the genuine ones.

How could I have someone without thinking about how you treated me?

How could I love someone without getting rejected?

How could I be accepted without feeling insecure about myself?

You ruined me.

Then…

I ruined myself.

I ruined myself to not be wanted because inevitably I would mess up my emotions.

I ruined myself to be this hopeless wrecked person who unintentionally drives him away, he – the guy who could possibly teach me to fall in love, for real this time, the guy who could show me how wonderful I am amidst my terrible past, my imperfect present, and my doubtful future. 

I ruined myself to have forgotten my worth that I would recklessy put myself in risky situations. 

I ruined myself to be loved unconditionally.

But then, I am grateful for the mess you left. 

It taught me how to clean this shit up.

And it was just simple:

Never end up with someone like you.

Never end up with someone who would see me as a wild card, as a free pass. I deserve to be loved more than I could ever love someone else

Never end up with someone who would only be satisfied with the idea of loving someone but to be with him whose intentions are direct and real. 

Never end up with someone who would not be man enough to stand by his words, but to be with him who does everything in his will to keep trying.

Never end up with someone who couldn’t give me the chance I deserve.

But this mess is so big, I have to constantly remind myself to never stop…

Never stop fixing myself: be smart, guard your heart, and protect your pride.

And I cannot wait for the day when this would be spotless and shiny because a better and bigger man showed me how important I am, not as someone special, but because someone would show me how important I am as a person. Not only because he has to show me, but also he believes so.

If not someone, well, I will never get tired of cleaning up your mess until this pain will finally just become a memory.

Until you will just be a footprint on the sand washed by ocean. 

Until you will just be a blur in the background of a photograph. 

Until you will just be a tiny scar in my invincible heart.

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