The Time I Talk About My Heart

I was checking my Facebook posts that I put out in public, and one of those is my post last year after I had my heart procedure.

blog-heart

As I read this and the replies that I got from concerned people, I remembered the feeling.

I talk about the story how I come to have this heart syndrome, but I never talked about how I felt.

I feel… Helpless.

I remember the days back in 2014 when I had tons of medical tests for heart and cardio just to figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve been through few specialists. I had regular medications before.

It was a routine I had to make. A lifestyle I had to change. 

And it was hard… changing things in my life.

Limiting myself from what I love to do best… sports and everything that is physically exhausting.

It sucks being in captivity with this heart syndrome (WPWS).

Before, I always give time for a run after school during my college days, but now, I could hardly take my difficulty in breathing. And I would pity myself as I try to run.

There were days when people would look at me with such worry in their eyes as they see me in pain and could not breathe properly. I may have the attention of the crowd, but for the unfortunate and pathetic reason.

I did not choose this.

I thought this would be my story of success, but actually it is a story of my burden.

I’ve gone through the procedure – Radio Frequency Ablation, and it was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life, making it as the very first time I was hospitalized. And my parents spent a lot of money just to make sure to have it removed, to have my heart fix.

It’s been almost eight months since the procedure, and I can still remember the smile my doctor gave me after he thought it was a success. And I can also remember the faces of everyone when he announced that I wasn’t still fine. That it came back.

It was devastating. But no one knows how bad I felt. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show that there was nothing to be sad about, that we went through this for a good and justifiable reason.

They never knew why I am not that motivated anymore to go back for follow up consultations to see my doctor. I am deeply disappointed. I know he, my doctor, is, too, for that is the first time he failed the procedure. But I can’t blame him. I know he is a good doctor, and he and his team did their best. It’s just unfortunate that I have a complicated heart condition.

I don’t wanna live like this.

I don’t want to have this kind of heart which stops me from enjoying life itself. I just want things to be back to normal without anyone thinking about if I get stressed, if I did not have enough sleep, if I had too much caffeine or alcohol, if I run around organizing events too much, if I am tired from playing volleyball, jogging or even dancing, or if I even belt out songs too hard.

I wanna go back to the days when I can where my rubber shoes and put on my earphones on, and jog for an hour. I miss those days when I can freely exhaust myself from running back and forth receiving a hit from a volleyball. I miss those days when I didn’t have to face minor panic attacks when I start to get nervous.

I know I am still me. 

But without those things, I feel incomplete. It has been a part of me for so long, and I want it back.

I want to ride a roller coaster, and not have to control my excitement, so my heart could beat normally.

I don’t wanna restrict myself. I wanna live these years as I can.

After having beating myself up here with pity and tears, I am still me – the ultimately optimistic me. I know it’s a part of my life for sometime now that I have to get used to.

I am strong. I have to face the odds, and beat this heart syndrome.

I can, and I will conquer.

I should not let this hold back myself… because I know, looking up, He has greater and brighter plans for me that I should look forward to.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “The Time I Talk About My Heart

  1. Precious, my beautiful daughter, remember, miracles do happen, prayers do move mountains….keep praying and be thankful always. Enjoy every minute, think of nothing negative. Treasure the happy moments you spent with everyone, think of the family bonding…..God have a better plan and set something for you, we are always there for you…God knows best! I love you, always…trust and faith..Daddy!!

    Liked by 1 person

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