I was checking my Facebook posts that I put out in public, and one of those is my post last year after I had my heart procedure.
As I read this and the replies that I got from concerned people, I remembered the feeling.
I talk about the story how I come to have this heart syndrome, but I never talked about how I felt.
I feel… Helpless.
I remember the days back in 2014 when I had tons of medical tests for heart and cardio just to figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve been through few specialists. I had regular medications before.
It was a routine I had to make. A lifestyle I had to change.
And it was hard… changing things in my life.
Limiting myself from what I love to do best… sports and everything that is physically exhausting.
It sucks being in captivity with this heart syndrome (WPWS).
Before, I always give time for a run after school during my college days, but now, I could hardly take my difficulty in breathing. And I would pity myself as I try to run.
There were days when people would look at me with such worry in their eyes as they see me in pain and could not breathe properly. I may have the attention of the crowd, but for the unfortunate and pathetic reason.
I did not choose this.
I thought this would be my story of success, but actually it is a story of my burden.
I’ve gone through the procedure – Radio Frequency Ablation, and it was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life, making it as the very first time I was hospitalized. And my parents spent a lot of money just to make sure to have it removed, to have my heart fix.
It’s been almost eight months since the procedure, and I can still remember the smile my doctor gave me after he thought it was a success. And I can also remember the faces of everyone when he announced that I wasn’t still fine. That it came back.
It was devastating. But no one knows how bad I felt. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show that there was nothing to be sad about, that we went through this for a good and justifiable reason.
They never knew why I am not that motivated anymore to go back for follow up consultations to see my doctor. I am deeply disappointed. I know he, my doctor, is, too, for that is the first time he failed the procedure. But I can’t blame him. I know he is a good doctor, and he and his team did their best. It’s just unfortunate that I have a complicated heart condition.
I don’t wanna live like this.
I don’t want to have this kind of heart which stops me from enjoying life itself. I just want things to be back to normal without anyone thinking about if I get stressed, if I did not have enough sleep, if I had too much caffeine or alcohol, if I run around organizing events too much, if I am tired from playing volleyball, jogging or even dancing, or if I even belt out songs too hard.
I wanna go back to the days when I can where my rubber shoes and put on my earphones on, and jog for an hour. I miss those days when I can freely exhaust myself from running back and forth receiving a hit from a volleyball. I miss those days when I didn’t have to face minor panic attacks when I start to get nervous.
I know I am still me.
But without those things, I feel incomplete. It has been a part of me for so long, and I want it back.
I want to ride a roller coaster, and not have to control my excitement, so my heart could beat normally.
I don’t wanna restrict myself. I wanna live these years as I can.
After having beating myself up here with pity and tears, I am still me – the ultimately optimistic me. I know it’s a part of my life for sometime now that I have to get used to.
I am strong. I have to face the odds, and beat this heart syndrome.
I can, and I will conquer.
I should not let this hold back myself… because I know, looking up, He has greater and brighter plans for me that I should look forward to.