Make it or Break it

In times in our lives, things get so complicated that we lose sight of what really matters. And sometimes we tend to forget how things should be – realistically and practically speaking.
We are so lost in confusion that we didn’t know how to handle things anymore. 

Then, we let the world – the people  around us, the situation we allow – dictate the things that happen… but we should not. 

Flipping coins, having a random roulette, and closing your eyes then opening them to show you which you should choose or do are just some silly ways to get manipulated by luck.

We all want things. Yes, there are choices, and as humans with an intellectual capability, we can narrow those down to which is more important. But what do we do? We assume that we are too weak to determine for ourselves what is best for us. We even end up always relying on other people to make these decisions for us.

This is just unfortunate that most of us are cowards. We are not able to take the risks because we are afraid on how it is going to affect us, the plans and principles we have. But if not cowardice, we are misleaded by the risky things we do.

I have taken a huge risk. But things and situations change so quickly, even our perspectives do. Then, it changes our decisions.

So, we tend to create these scenes where we get to decide whether it is a “make it” or “break it”moment. Well, for me… it was a “break it” moment. And because it happened, it made things clearer for me. 

Yes, we should take risks.

I knew it was risky… that was my fault.

I had to go through some shitty things and stupid decisions first – outing myself too much and doing such reckless and bold moves, before it knocks me right over and wakes me up from this obnoxious idea. (Well, literally, my bestfriend pulled my hair; the other threatened to slap me.)

It hurts to get blinded by your desires and this flattery idea because at the end, you are the loser. You expected too much. He doesn’t care.


Now, I get the urge of still playing this petty “game” but, this time, with a different approach. 

This is the part where I build myself up.

I spend too much time manipulating people to like me that I even forgot to show them that I am already amazing the way I am (in my own way, thiugh). Because I have this drive that I need to adjust to meet his standards, but I was wrong – that was a pathetic move. Why be somebody else for him? I tried to be cool and be liberated to match him. But the heck, I wasted so much time of senseless conversations.

Yes, we do some reckless things sometimes. And I think that is part of learning – the hard way. That’s practically fine… because it opened my eyes.

So, then I have realized that I kept losing myself, my direction, with these dreamy realities that I forgot I have a life to live.

Bird Set Free 🕊

I have been living with something that has been holding me back for so long – for many years now. And finally, I have released myself from captivity – from keeping in my feelings about it. I have realized that it is time to move on and let go of everything that disables me to see the future ahead.
It may be vague, as I have experienced, but leaving things out in the open and letting time heal it never answer the questions “what happened?”, “why did it not work out?” and “what went wrong?”

I deeply believe that the best thing in building a good relationship is proper communication, none of those audio-video devices or applications that hinder us from connecting with other people. We connect through each other’s eyes. We feel each other’s souls. We comprehend their personality through their actions. And that is the best thing about being physically present.

Not communicating is never a goodbye. It is a death wish that will haunt you and will make you feel guilty for the rest of your lives. So, no matter how hard it is to try, no matter how complicated things might go, we should face the things that troubles us.

Life can be just over in a snap. Why waste the time of wondering things when you can actually do it?

It is definitely hard to let go of something familiar and comfortable. But sooner or later, we have to loose things in life, in order to welcome not only new things but better – even greater things you never had before.

Sometime in our lives we should make that jump.

Take the risk to even try. Yes, you might get hurt and disappoint yourself, but atleast you will have one less of a regret to not look back into anymore.

I am scared. And I think everybody is. I am scared of changing things, most especially people in my life. We always get scared of meeting new people, thinking that they would not like you as the former do. But that is the thing… change is adjustment. It is to begin a new phase in your life. and to embrace the feeling of it.

Who am I kidding? This is a blog about love.

Life is full of choices. Everybody makes the right choices that made us where we are now, but most of the time we make the wrong and stupid ones that put us in this complicated situation called living.

Pumili ka ng lalaki na mas mahal ka kaysa sa mahal mo siya.

(Be with a man who loves you more than you love him.)

– My Mother, 2016

I have been told once (by my professor, after I reported once about the “Types of Boys” -yes, I know cringe-y) that you can’t choose who to love. Well, I beg to differ. Yes, you can.

You can’t choose the person who loves you, but you can choose whether to give back the love or not. We can’t just force things to happen. (Selfish, I know.) There are some things we should do because it is the right thing to do, and not because we are too human that we should have mercy and just love whoever loves us. That is not fair.

We are human beings capable of weighing the choices in our lives.

People change overtime, sadly.

Usually, they become different from what we were used to.

So when they do change, sometimes we see things in a different angle. We change our preferences. Because it is through time that we mature and learn to decide justifiably.

I know that some people are blinded by love and forgot about reality. 

Our reality should be wherein people think, decide, choose, and live with less regrets.

The Time I Talk About My Heart

I was checking my Facebook posts that I put out in public, and one of those is my post last year after I had my heart procedure.

blog-heart

As I read this and the replies that I got from concerned people, I remembered the feeling.

I talk about the story how I come to have this heart syndrome, but I never talked about how I felt.

I feel… Helpless.

I remember the days back in 2014 when I had tons of medical tests for heart and cardio just to figure out what was wrong with me. I’ve been through few specialists. I had regular medications before.

It was a routine I had to make. A lifestyle I had to change. 

And it was hard… changing things in my life.

Limiting myself from what I love to do best… sports and everything that is physically exhausting.

It sucks being in captivity with this heart syndrome (WPWS).

Before, I always give time for a run after school during my college days, but now, I could hardly take my difficulty in breathing. And I would pity myself as I try to run.

There were days when people would look at me with such worry in their eyes as they see me in pain and could not breathe properly. I may have the attention of the crowd, but for the unfortunate and pathetic reason.

I did not choose this.

I thought this would be my story of success, but actually it is a story of my burden.

I’ve gone through the procedure – Radio Frequency Ablation, and it was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life, making it as the very first time I was hospitalized. And my parents spent a lot of money just to make sure to have it removed, to have my heart fix.

It’s been almost eight months since the procedure, and I can still remember the smile my doctor gave me after he thought it was a success. And I can also remember the faces of everyone when he announced that I wasn’t still fine. That it came back.

It was devastating. But no one knows how bad I felt. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to show that there was nothing to be sad about, that we went through this for a good and justifiable reason.

They never knew why I am not that motivated anymore to go back for follow up consultations to see my doctor. I am deeply disappointed. I know he, my doctor, is, too, for that is the first time he failed the procedure. But I can’t blame him. I know he is a good doctor, and he and his team did their best. It’s just unfortunate that I have a complicated heart condition.

I don’t wanna live like this.

I don’t want to have this kind of heart which stops me from enjoying life itself. I just want things to be back to normal without anyone thinking about if I get stressed, if I did not have enough sleep, if I had too much caffeine or alcohol, if I run around organizing events too much, if I am tired from playing volleyball, jogging or even dancing, or if I even belt out songs too hard.

I wanna go back to the days when I can where my rubber shoes and put on my earphones on, and jog for an hour. I miss those days when I can freely exhaust myself from running back and forth receiving a hit from a volleyball. I miss those days when I didn’t have to face minor panic attacks when I start to get nervous.

I know I am still me. 

But without those things, I feel incomplete. It has been a part of me for so long, and I want it back.

I want to ride a roller coaster, and not have to control my excitement, so my heart could beat normally.

I don’t wanna restrict myself. I wanna live these years as I can.

After having beating myself up here with pity and tears, I am still me – the ultimately optimistic me. I know it’s a part of my life for sometime now that I have to get used to.

I am strong. I have to face the odds, and beat this heart syndrome.

I can, and I will conquer.

I should not let this hold back myself… because I know, looking up, He has greater and brighter plans for me that I should look forward to.

 

 

Trailers, Big No No!

2017 is here and I’m sure it is preparing everyone with big surprises. One of those would be the anticipated movies that will be showing this year – Beauty and the Beast, Fifty Shades Darker, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Logan, Justice League, Spiderman: Homecoming, The Fate of the Furious, Pitch Perfect 3, Anabelle 2, and the list goes on and on.

With these upcoming movies come the movie trailers. (FYI, there are actually companies who make the trailers, not just the movie production team. I’ve learned it from one movie, though.)  Trailers are merely snippets of the movies. And I know that people watch these short clips from the movies to clench their craving for it. It makes them think. It makes them wonder and get all excited about it. I think that these companies, which make the movie trailers, make it appoint to present the highlights of the story. But, in truth, it is actually sad, at least for me.

I HATE TRAILERS.  I dislike watching trailers.

Trailers are the major spoilers on the planet. (Okay, I might be a little exaggerating there.) It is kind of dumb to know what lies ahead before you actually see it – before you experience the moment.  And, it just makes you see the good parts in the movie.

We must not deprive ourselves with some element of surprise. 

Maybe, me hating trailers started when I watched this drama movie. I watched the trailer of this movie, which I forgot what it was. The story – at least what is presented in the trailer – is very intriguing, so I watched it online. Then, only to find out, it disappointed me. It wasn’t the best drama movie I have ever watched. I swear I really forgot the title of this movie. It was years ago that I have watched this movie but what I can remember is the plot was weak and the setting was dull.

Henceforth, I never (okay, an understatement) watched a trailer since. Maybe, I’ve watched some, but I think those were the movie trailers for action movies and animated ones.

I hate getting spoiled with what is coming. Don’t you want to not know what is going to happen when you watch a movie?

Honestly, I don’t even watch those few seconds of preview for the next episodes of TV series. I just skipped to the next one at once or close it. The thing I hate the most are the trailers for upcoming soap operas on Philippine TV. Like damn! They have this 5-minute trailers of the plot of the whole teleserye. I remember saying once after watching a trailer (I think it was the upcoming TV series of Bea Alonzo and Ian Veneracion), “Ay grabe! Ayoko nang panuorin. Alam ko na story.” At the beginning of the trailer, I thought of  wanting to watch it, but then, the trailer won’t just stop. Wala na. It gave me the gist of the story. Bummer. Spoiler!

Judge me. Say I’m crazy. Yes, I am different (because I want to be).

But that is just me and my out-of-the-box mind.

Life is better when you are spontaneous. Do not overload yourself with things you should not worry about that much. Let the world surprise you, and you will be amazed.

Live for the Spectacular Now 🙂

 

Where Am I?

It’s been along time since I have written a blog.

Probably by this time, few of my students will get to drop by at this blog. Yes, I am working already… HEY!!!

I have been teaching at this school inside BF Paranaque for almost six months now. And I am so grateful for where I am right now. It may not be the “perfect” job but I know I have to be here. I may not stay here for long (or who knows I’ll professionally grow here) but still I know this is part of my journey – my life.

I thought when you graduate college and you have a job, you will be more mature, but nope. My life is a constant roll of trials and errors. Life is so hard. I know it should be.

I feel like I’m a caterpillar still undergoing metamorphosis, and probably, I think I’ll be here for long.

It’s so difficult that you have to be someone that others should like. Guess the line “you can never please everyone” does not really apply to everybody. Whether you like it or not, you always have to be a different person in every different situation. You have to please your family, please your friends, please people at work. It never ends.

Agree with me or not, we all have different sides of our personality. I am not saying we have multiple personalities – because that would be just crazy! (Unless you really are one heck of a bipolar psycopath) What I mean is we act differently with different people, primarily, to blend in. 

I, for one, have experienced to be in two very opposite environments. I practically grew up in a private school – I was raised there to be the person I am (or maybe the person I used to be… well, I’m not entirely sure now). After spending my formative years in a very comfortable community, with all the fun and excitement, I started and saw a new world. That is when I entered college.

Major Culture Shock!

I went to a state university, which is practically a public school. And I didn’t know anything about it. All I know is that my mom wants me take up Education in that school where one of her best friends graduated from. I have never heard of it before. But then, for the next four years, I came to embrace the school and its environment – which btw is totally different from before. Totally Different.

My lifestyle changed. Big Time

From zero in high school, to a little intriguing in college. I am talking about the person that I’ve become in college. I was different from my classmates, and that is unfortunate. At first, I never understood what they were talking about, and they can’t understand me either. I remember limiting myself with the things I can’t mention in school because I know they would judge me everytime – for being not like them. My first year in college was so hard – so hard that I want to cry everytime. (Luckily, I joined the volleyball varsity to make me feel at ease ) 

But then, three years after, I was still with those people. And I think couldn’t have survived college without them. The chapter is done. Now, off to flip another one.

New chapter, more changes.

I am back to discovering myself again, which sucks because I’ll never know where I am even going and how to do things more differently with all the new limitations I have in life.

But maybe, I am still young and learning, so please don’t get me wrong with the freaking decisions I am making.

I am still testing the waters.

I am still finding myself in this world.

Life is a constant spin. And you are never going to stop…

My One & Only Regret

After many months, my friend, Alfred, and I finally got the chance to catch up with so many things! He is like one of my best friends, and one of the friends I know I’ll have forever, so it is important to update events in each other’s lives.

One thing that we did for more than an hour was answering “would you rather” questions. Basically, it’s just about answering the question based on what you think you would hypothetically choose or do. Like, for example, “would you rather eat chocolate-flavored poop or poop-flavored chocolate?” It’s just as simple as that. But some are really tough like “would you rather be friends with the love of your life or marry your enemy?” It’s kind of a weird game but a really difficult one. When you come to think of it, you might possibly have to make those decisions one day.

Then, there was this one question that I always know the answer to…

Would you rather see your future or change your biggest regret?

I don’t think most people would like to see the future, you know. The future is unpredictable. It is something you shall not cheat on, it just happens. And what people should do is live in this Spectacular Now.

So, obvi I rather change my biggest regret, as well as my friend. Alfred shared that he would have chosen another career path. He would have wished that he pushed that dream school of his and have it differently than how he turned out to be. It’s like having a series of  ‘what-ifs’. And for me, I have this biggest regret, my only regret that I’ve had since my last year in  gradeschool.

I let my first love slip out of my hands.

If I would change it, I would have given it a chance. Let’s go down yo memory lane. So, I met a boy, a boy I had in my class. We were strangers to each other yet we became seatmates – for the whole school year. And in that year, we became really close, close enough to be bestfriends, then started to really like each other by the end of the year.

He was sweet, really kind, funny and smart. He was Mr. Right. He liked me for who I was behind all my flaws. He was a keeper, I must say.

But then when we had our first year of high school, everything became different. I don’t know what happened but for some apparent and unjustifiable reason, we weren’t friends anymore. It was all gone before we had the chance to be something. Even that beautiful friendship was gone And the rest was history.

I regret that I didn’t do anything about it. Well, I would have never knew what to do at that time. I was 13 and too young to know what was going on.

But only if I had the chance and see what would have happened with my love life. It doesn’t matter if maybe we are still together until now if it happened or not. What matters is what if we just tried.

There are alot of things we wished we never did. But that is life I guess. We make mistakes, and it is all in the past. And I am thankful for it. I would never change my past for I know it makes me who I am now.

But this is an exemption…
I’ve got this feeling that he would have been one of the greatest things that could have happened in my life.

I just wished our paths would cross again. I’m not hoping for anything but just to see how things would go if we became friends again.

To be honest, I rarely share this story to my friends. It just makes me sad thinking about it. It’s kind of difficult to go back to a time where you wish you could change it but you can’t, and you’ll never get to see what happens after because you know there is no next page.

Always Fight For Yourself

Two weeks ago, my brother resigned from a job he had in a hotel even before his first month working is over. Let’s just say that things got ugly in the workplace – “ugly” means bullying and stepping on other people for their own sake. Guess it was all too much for my brother that he has to quit at once.

People are mean & selfish!
This is a really UGLY world, unfortunately. 😦

In relation to this, we, Filipinos, are very familiar with the term called “Crab Mentality”

Crab Mentality – people tend to do evil & vicious things to pull down other people for their benefit to get higher

It’s sad.

They just couldn’t get enough of being unfair. Where is justice, people?!!

So, as my brother walked his resignation paper and talked to the authorities hoping that some good will happen, well it just became worse. He was even treated like shit (excuse the language). Well, I’m saying it in his sake because the people concerned even made him felt that he is in the wrong position, in fact, he was the person abused in the situation. People in the workplace knew about this stupid behavior yet they tolerate it. So crucial!

It’s not some kind of initiation as they think it is. It is lowering a person’s self-esteem, and it is one of the most terrible and worst things that could happen to an individual. It loses confidence and faith in oneself. Thus, in a worst case scenario, might lead into suicidal.

“You should have fought for yourself.”
These are the words I mentioned to my brother over dinner. (Well, my farewell words before we put this incident all behind us – it was tragic, for my brother)

Every person has the right to fight for themselves in whatever condition that your dignity and pride is being ruined by others.

WE MUST STEP UP TO SOMETHING WE KNOW IS RIGHT!

Don’t let anyone tell you something that you are not!

I am really not a big fan of negative adjectives. All my life, I hate those bad vibes… It’s very inappropriate to a growing child or even to a person who is trying to find his place in this world.

We must learn how to appreciate the little things, the tiny abilities that one can do.

We are here in this world not to destroy one another but to build a space for people to grow and to be successful.

Be fair & spread peace!